IMPORTANT HEALTH WARNING!!!
We interrupt this obsession with fat suits to bring you a Crap Filter special bulletin.
Most people today are up in arms about the dread bird flu and the talk of a pandemic sweeping the globe, but there is a far greater threat looming on the horizon. Studies have shown that another dangerous aerial-born illness is becoming a problem in Asia: pterodactyl flu.
The pterodactyl flu, or P.F., originates from a small section of Antarctica where an odd weather pocket keeps the climate tropical, which allows the virus to thrive. Symptoms include vomiting, sallow complexion, a strong sense of connection to paleontology exhibits, bloody stool, and heart failure. The most fascinating thing about the virus is that all pterodactyls have been dead for millions of years (when the last cases of pterodactyl flu were recorded), making the risk of fatality 100%. It is unknown how the first case spread to humans.
Sadly, there are no cures for the malady at this time, but here are some tips to avoid the pterodactyl flu, based on educated guesses and conjecture:
-Avoid the consumption of pterodactyl eggs.
The eggs, while rich in flavor and high in nutrients, are the perfect breeding grounds for the strongest strain of the virus. If your diet requires that you must have eggs, ensure they are from a chicken. This is easily deduced at the grocery store by checking the carton in which the eggs are contained; if there is a cartoon chicken or barn on the package, they are chicken eggs. If there is a picture of a dinosaur or tar pit on the carton, they may be pterodactyl eggs.
-Do not shake hands with a pterodactyl.
This is an important rule, as most cases of P.F. were assumed to be contracted by talon-to-skin contact. If a pterodactyl wants to shake your hand, instead nod and smile warmly. This conveys an air of friendliness while still protecting yourself.
-Do not travel to the past and attempt to ride a pterodactyl.
In addition to being a dangerous thing to do in general, the leathery skin of the winged dinosaur may be a hotbed for P.F. Should a trip to the past be a necessity, bring along some other method of transportation, like a Segway or hovercar.
-Always use a condom when having sex with a pterodactyl, no matter how charming or interesting he or she may seem.
Do not allow the pterodactyl to persuade you to not use protection, no matter how much better they say it will feel or how it would show that you loved them. If they loved you, they would not pressure you on such a decision. Even in the case of monogamy, during these troubled times, err on the side of caution.
Following these tips does not guarantee that you will not contract P.F., but it does reduce the risk of exposure.
Stay tuned to The Filter for further updates.
November 17th, 2005 at 1:05 pm
As a precaution I’ve taken to the Japanese custom of a polite bow, rather than a handshake, as both preface and conclusion in all my business transactions with pterodactyls, pteranodons and quetzalcoatlids.
You can never be too safe.