Larry David not big on gay cowboys
I’m planning on seeing “Brokeback Mountain” tonight, so my review should be up on Crap Filter soon. To hold you over, check out this hilarious and all-so-true Op-Ed about the movie from the New York Times written by Larry David of “Seinfeld” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” fame.
I love gay people. Hey, I’ve got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I’m for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don’t want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That’s all.
Is that so terrible? Does that mean I’m homophobic? And if I am, well, then that’s too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I’m still not going to that movie.
To my surprise, I have some straight friends who’ve not only seen the movie but liked it. “One of the best love stories ever,” one gushed. Another went on, “Oh, my God, you completely forget that it’s two men. You in particular will love it.”
“Why me?”
January 9th, 2006 at 2:33 pm
Dear Larry,
Men are very simple creatures, much less complicated than women. We are on the level of dogs mostly, especially when it comes to sex (no pun intended.) And I think it is a biological imperative that causes the confusion. If you think of humans as animals you realize that the females are interested in incorporating sex as a mechanism that insures the welfare of their offspring. For males, sex is like hunger and thirst—something they have to do to satisfy the urging. We totally separate sex and romance. A man can have sex with a person that he hates and despises, and enjoy it, and keep coming back for more, and never get emotionally involved. He sees nothing illogical or wrong with this. However, he knows he cannot admit this to the object of his affections because she might take offence and he doesn’t want to screw that up. It is this slot that men put sex with another man. A straight man might, say, go away for a week to a convention (in the days before aids anyway,) feel the urge to orgasm and do it with another man (under many different scenarios and that is a whole ‘nother topic,) but he would never think of incorporating romance into the sexual encounter. The advent of HIV changed things and he could now establish a regular relationship with another man, say, on his night out with the boys, that results in weekly sex with that man. He doesn’t see himself as gay, it is merely variety in his sexual life as opposed to his emotional life. The two men trust each other not to do anything dangerous, like get AIDS—and both have wives and children. So what men find unbelievable about Brokeback Mountain is the romance. And they really can’t identify with it. If both guys in the movie were, for example, married, but not necessarily so, and had monthly outings where they had sex with each other without the romance, it would be much more believable since it reflects more typical male behavior. I don’t know a lot about lesbians in comparison, but they seem to value the emotional bond more than the sexual one. For 99% of men that situation does not apply; there is only the sexual relief that a male partner provides.
Of course, all this is highly secret and is rarely discussed among men. The closest they come, if two men are regularly having sex, is to reassure each other that they are not gay, for the simple reason that both not only enjoy sex with their respective spouses, but would prefer to be having sex with several different females if they could get away with it. This to them is eminently logical and they eschew the label bisexual because, in general, they find males unalluring—but I do have some conflicting data on this latter situation. In prisons and in war, both adolescent boys and girls seem to be at a premium and eagerly sought after. Within my personal experiences I found something that disturbed me at the time, but later on I came to understand. In Viet Nam children of 10-15 were frequently recruited as sexual partners for the military, a common thing in all wars, and the prettiest, male or female, were the most in demand (and there are ‘nother few thousand words on that.) But when the opportunity to be rescued from that situation presented itself to the kids, most of the girls took advantage of it and went with the nuns. A few of the boys did, but most preferred to stay with the GI’s and continue in their relationships. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I do now. Years of research have enabled me to look at it from the boys’ point of view instead of as an outraged father of two little girls.
Mike