No bully could spell like this!
Ah, it’s springtime again. Time for picnics, college lacrosse, and the best thing of all…children who can spell antidisestablishmentarianism! The Scripps National Spelling Bee concluded yesterday, with the championship going to California’s own Evan O’Dorney. O’Dorney beat out many other pretenders to the crown, and become the latest in the annals of superstar spellers.
Each year I get jazzed for the Bee. There are two main things that thrill me about it. The first is the pure competition. These young people are under tremendous pressure, studying spelling for years just for this purpose. Jonathan Horton, one of the favorites, had been in the Bee for years, studying hours a day, and then he got the boot on his first word of the final round. Since this was his last year of eligibility…that’s it. His competitive spelling career is essentially over, and he is not even fifteen years old. So watching these kids live and die by the dictionary has a certain appeal.
My favorite example of this is when Akshay Buddiga fainted on stage right in the middle of his turn. A lesser competitor might have accepted help or medical aid, but Akshay had the resolve to get right up and nail the word! This is guts and glory at its finest. And it is not just the kids that take this seriously. This year the parents of ousted favorite Samir Patel appealed his elimination, claiming a pronunciation variation cost him his chance at the title. The appeal was, thankfully, rejected. After all, the Bee was made for winners, not whiners!
The second reason to love the Bee, which I suspect is the main reason for many people watching, is the personalities of the spellers. Many of these kids are home-schooled, and that makes for some interesting sound bytes. The most famous, and one of my favorites, is Rebecca Sealfon, the champion of the 1997 Bee. Rebecca just oozes personality and enthusiasm, as you can see in her spelling the championship word, “euonym”. She knew this word, as she started to celebrate before she actually spelled it. If she had made an error, it would have been similar to Lindsey Jacobellis botching her gold medal in the 2006 Olympics. Thankfully for Rebecca, spelling doesn’t have as much opportunity for showboating. Check out Rebecca’s post game interview. A true classic. And sometimes these kids are funny on purpose too.
My only real complaint with the Bee is that they need to stop buying all the kids’ shirts in the same size. Can’t the National Spelling Bee afford to buy a variety of rugby shirt sizes? Good lord, some of these kids are basically wearing dresses. Sadly, the Bee is now over, and we are left waiting another twelve months for the next generation of whiz kids to make us laugh, cry, cheer, and feel stupid. I for one, cannot wait until next spring. And if I mis-spelled any words in this column, don’t blame me. I went to public skool.
Would Josh be proud of his Dad?
I am sure that by now many people are familiar with the tragic death of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock. If you have followed this story, you are likely aware that the 29 year-old had more than twice the legal blood alcohol limit when he crashed his car into a tow-truck. Read further, and you learn he was also talking on his cell phone when the crash happened. On top of that, he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt. So there are at least 3 things (*read on for #’s 4 and 5) that Josh did wrong that night. And he paid the price for it with his life.
At first, I thought it was sad that Josh made these fatal mistakes. But today I found out that this death really wasn’t his fault. I feel so stupid, since I always thought people should not drink in excess. I mean, unless someone is forcing you to drink (let’s say with an IV in your arm) you are pretty much supposed to know when you have had too much. I also feel dumb for thinking that cell phones impair your ability to drive. There are many states that are passing laws about driving while taking; but I guess I mistook that for common sense. Oh, and I also had to call up Bobby Hurley, and ask him why he preached wearing a seatbelt in all those PSA’s after he was almost killed. I am embarrassed that I believed in Bobby, when I guess wearing your seatbelt isn’t something that results in bodily injury.
If you are not detecting my sarcasm, then you likely find nothing wrong with the lawsuit that Josh Hancock’s father has filed in regard to his son’s death. He is suing the bar that served Josh drinks. I have heard of this before, where bartenders are held accountable for serving drinks to drunks. I don’t agree with it, but I have heard of it. The thing that really sticks out is that not only is Mr. Hancock suing the bar, he is suing the towing company that owns the tow-truck his son hit, AND the driver of the car that was being towed. Let’s review this again, so all the kids can learn a good lesson. He is suing the driver of the car that was in need of assistance, because his drunk son was talking on his cell phone, while not wearing a seatbelt, and crashed his car into the tow-truck. And died.
Where has common sense gone? Where has personal responsibility gone? Does Mrs. Hancock actually believe that this person whose car was stalled caused his son’s death? According to the police report, the car stalled after being spun out when some other bad driver cut him off. So if we continue Mr. Hancock’s line of thinking, we need to locate that driver, and sue them for spinning this other guy out to begin with. And while we are doing that, shouldn’t we sue that driver’s driving instructor from high school, who obviously didn’t teach him not to cut people off?
Ideally, the judge or jury involved in this case will see past this ridiculous grab for post mortem satisfaction, and throw the case out. I had a family member (my 22 year old cousin) who died from blunt head trauma after getting dunk and falling off a bridge. I guess when my family came to the realization that it was a sad event, and we wished my cousin hadn’t had so much to drink, we were misplacing our grief. Maybe if Mr. Hancock was in the family, we would have channeled our grief into anger, and sued the city where this happened. Or better yet, the inventor of gravity!
*And if you want to know about Josh Hancock’s 4 and 5 mistakes:
I read that Josh was speeding at the time of the crash, and police found 8.55 grams of marijuana in his vehicle. But I am sure Mr. Hancock will find the people other than his son that are responsible for that as well. As for me, I will expect to be contacted by Mr. Hancock’s lawyers in the next few days. But in court I plan to blame my parents for instilling the values in me that made me write this column. Then I will sue them.
What a catch
Do you remember the cuddly biggot that was John Rocker? Well, these days he’s calling himself bullpenjohn and he’s looking for a “committeed retlationship” over on Match.com.
My brother gave me the heads up to this profile after reading about it on the Sons of Sam Horn message board.
What do we know about bullpenjohn? Well, for one thing, his once-promising baseball career is over after his numerous verbal slip-ups and mental meltdowns. But that’s old news. According to his profile, the 31-year-old bullpenjohn lives in Smithtown, New York, now and is seeking women 31-35. Continues after the jump »
Click here…
it’s really not necessary to say anything else….
Keith Richards must be rolling in his grave
So it’s been about a day-and-a-half since the NFL, with help from the referees, made sure the Steelers won Super Bowl XL, and I really don’t have anything insightful to say about it. In fact, I’ve been avoiding ESPN’s postgame coverage altogether, with the main reason being I hate Ron Jaworski with a passion.
And I’ve never been one of those guys to say something like, “Oh, and the commercials sucked too!” in a post-Super Bowl conversation. The commercials have sucked for a while now. Commercials always suck. That’s why they’re commercials. Continues after the jump »
Super Bowl Week: Gear Up For The Game! Pt. 2!
Previously on CrapFilter, we (mostly) ran down stuff to prepare you for the Steel City’s 6th Super Bowl appearance. Now, presenting some lovely garbage with which to stoke the fires of competition en route to Michigan’s proud dystopia.
Continues after the jump »
Super Bowl Week: Gear Up For the Game!
A mention on an episode of SportsCenter last week prompted me to look this up.
If people are being this tacky in one of the most progressive cities in the country, surely my hometown can step up to the plate. Hell, Pittsburgh created the tacky plate, plaid pattern, striped trim and all.
So, if you’re headed to the big game in Detroit, be sure to stop by eBay to pick up some of these fine wares to show your support for the black and gold! (All items found using search terms “Steelers” and “Super Bowl”)…
Continues after the jump »
Reason for sterilization No. 1,234,345
I came across this story over on the Sports Guy’s daily links and barely flinched. Apparently there’s a kid living in Indiana, Pa., (about an hour’s drive from Pittsburgh) named Seven and George Costanza and Ben Roethlisberger had nothing to do with it.
Here’s more from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:
Although Seven’s parents — who live in Indiana, Pa. — are often asked whether they named their son after Mr. Roethlisberger, they were actually inspired by another Western Pennsylvania institution: After driving by an 84 Lumber sign, they “decided to go with something numerical,” said Mrs. Barber.
So don’t worry, the parents weren’t dumb enough to name him after an above-average NFL quarterback. They were inspired by a sign with numbers on it. And now that Ben’s blowin’ up they’re dressing this kid up in anything they can find with a seven on it.
Seven could also signify the amount of beatings this kid’s gonna get once he starts school, or the age at which he’ll figure out his parents are complete jackasses.
Super Bowl Week: Media Day!
All eyes will be on Detroit this morning as Media Day begins for Super Bowl XL. Clearly this is the most attention the Motor City has received since the ED-209 was unveiled (or will be unveiled? I forget what year the ‘Robocop’ documentary took place [and can Detroit even be called the Motor City anymore? I think Mexico makes more parts and assembles more cars than Detroit now. Maybe we can get a movement going to call them the Motor Country. Thanks for your vacation spots and cheap labor, Mexico!]).
Demise Illustrated
At my old job we used to chew out the Web guy because without fail he’d go with the headline “Flying High” whenever a Philadelphia Flyers win was highlighted on the site.
So either this guy has moved on to a job at Sports Illustrated or the magazine has totally lost the creativity that made it THE sports publication for many years.
I’m referring to the latest cover of SI, in which you can read all about the NFL conference title games five days after they happened. (Who says magazines have been made obsolete by the Internet?) Highlighted on the front is the Seattle Seahawks’ Shaun Alexander with the headline “Flying High” and the subhead “Shaun Alexander Soars Into Detroit.”
Get it? Seahawks, flying, soars?
I love horrible, obvious puns for ironic value as much as the next person, but this is SI we’re talking about here. Couldn’t they have come up with something a little more inspired and original? Or is this just another sign that the mag doesn’t matter anymore?
Everything’s gonna be all white
Here’s an updated scorecard from this year’s current cycle of NFL coach hirings (a.k.a. the “Good Ol’ Boys” system):
• Green Bay - Mike McCarthy - White
• Kansas City - Herman Edwards - Black
• Minnesota - Brad Childress - White
• NY Jets - Eric Mangini - White
• New Orleans - Sean Payton - White Continues after the jump »
Isiah threatens Simmons!
Just ran across this fascinating write-up by ESPN.com Page 2 columnist Bill Simmons, who apparently has been challenged to a fight by Knicks GM Isiah Thomas.
As faithful followers of the best sportswriter going know, the Sports Guy is constantly reminding his readers that Thomas is the worst GM in the NBA (read here for one example). Well, Thomas supposedly has been reading, and has had enough.
Apparently Isiah Thomas has threatened to kick my ass during a New York radio interview yesterday. I’m still trying to find out all the details, but I thought it was ironic that he made this threat on Martin Luther King Day — I’m sure MLK would have been proud.
Readers from the NYC area alerted Simmons about the comments Thomas made as a guest on Steven A. Smith’s show on ESPN Radio. I did not hear the words myself, but from what I gather from Simmons’ readers, Isiah said something to the effect of, “If I were to meet this Bill Simmons on the street, there would be a problem.” Continues after the jump »
Steeler runs mouth, is dumbass
In the run-up to an NFL playoff game, there is plenty of opportunity for a player to talk some trash. However, for Joey Porter, it’s also a chance to show everyone how to rationalize getting your ass beat down in the regular season. Take this quote, referring to the Steelers’ previous matchup with the Indianapolis Colts on Monday Night Football:
They want to try to catch you off guard. They don’t want to play smash-mouth football, they want to trick you. … They want to catch you substituting. Know what I mean? They don’t want to just call a play, get up there and run a play. They want to make you think. They want it to be a thinking game instead of a football game.
Okay, let’s see: offensive yards gained for Watch-Settin’ Johnny Unitas’ boys: 372 yards.
Uhm, I’ll take the thinking man’s game, then, thank you very much.
And, hey, look! Edgerrin James ran for over 100 yards on the defense that week. What say you, Sir Porter?
I still think it was a cheap 100.
*SIGH* Stick to ‘dem guns, Joey. It’s not a lie…if you believe it.
The moral of this story: never trust the opinion of anyone over the age of 13 that still calls themselves Joey.
For some awesome lessons from someone who knows how to give a pre-game press conference, I give you Clinton Portis.
Incentive for Roger Clemens to return
At 41 years old, Roger Clemens can still pitch. Last season for Houston, he led the major leagues in ERA (1.87) and finished third in the NL Cy Young voting.
But Clemens is now without a team after the Astros, Roger’s hometown team, refused to offer him arbitration. Given “The Rocket“‘s age and high salary demands, many teams are hesitant to sign the righthander, so Houston remains a possibility, albeit a remote one.
Enter rapper Paul Wall via MTV News.
Houston’s Paul Wall is such a sports fanatic that he says if Roger Clemens signs back with the Houston Astros, he’ll give his kid the middle name of Roger.
The ball’s in your court, Clemens.
Knowing “Almighty Dollar” Roger, he’d probably charge Paul for using his name.
It’s official: Steelers will beat Colts
Christ, and I thought I had too much time on my hands.
They don’t play games on paper, but they do play them on video games. I know I know, I’m totally sick of big sporting events being simulated by video games as well, but this Steelers-Colts preview over on Ex-‘Burgher is worth a look because a.) it was done with Tecmo Super Bowl (the greatest video game EVER) and b.) this guy spent way too much time on this for it not to be noticed.
Since our boy did this simulation with an old-school game with outdated rosters, he either is some total computer freak that rebuilt an updated version of the game or he went to the trouble of retouching the screen shots. So instead of Jeff George, we get Peyton Manning.
That’s not all.
He also provides a quarter-by-quarter breakdown with Pittsburgh commentators calling the action. Unfortunately, the guest announcer is (ugh) Chris Berman. However, he does come up with some offensively clever new nicknames for Berman:
Touchdown! Manning hooks up with Marvin “I have less personality than Terry Schiavo” Harrison!
Winners: Steelers (49-16)
Losers: Us
Don’t be dissin’ Beantown Jimbo!
Jim Caple, who normally writes a heck of a column for ESPN.com, let me down today. In rating the suffering of NFL cities, he puts New England Patriots fans as second to last, which means we are a relatively happy bunch. In listing all the championships for the Boston area, he notes “nine NBA titles”. Um, excuse me? Try SIXTEEN championships for the Boston Celtics, Jimmy! And don’t tell me you are covered by saying the “within the lifetime of most New Englanders” thing. The Celtics’ first title came in 1957, WELL withing the range of many a lifetime. What is next? Are people going to claim that Boston is NOT the greatest East coast city now? Puh-lease!
Hard to keep it together these days…
I guess actor+actor=splitsville. CNN is reporting that Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe are separating after 8 years of marriage. The report says they are still going to try to work it out. The only thing that makes me believe there is still hope for the Chadster is the timing, since they didn’t break up right after Hilary’s Oscar winning performance in BOYS DON’T CRY. Normally, the split happens right after one of the spouses’ careers takes off, like with Jennifer Garner and Scott Foley. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you Chad!
And under the heading of “look who keeps F-ing up every chance he’s given”, let’s all chuckle at Marcus Vick’s arrest today.
Let me tell you what just happened
As ESPN’s Sunday Night Football Era comes to an end, so does the broadcast team of Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire. Thank the Gods. This team has been tormenting us for years. Last week, during their last Sunday night game, they kept thanking each other for the years of working together, etc. Nobel thoughts, if they were a good broadcast team. Patrick is a competent play-by-play man, with a decent voice. But the other two (both former players) are just annoying. They kept coming back to Maguire’s “famous” line of “You know, of all the people that I’ve worked with, you’re one of them.” That was the most insightful thing said all night.
Phil Mushnik of the New York Post has a nice piece on the trio’s latest blockhead antics, as they observed the ejection of on Sean Taylor from the Redskins/Bucs game on Saturday. I watched this game, and Mushnik is right on the money. There was even a drinking game for this team, presumably to make the game watchable.
Now if we could get John Madden out of the booth, we’d be all set.
Year of the dog
Thank the Lord that 2005 is over… a year in which I held two awful jobs (one I am currently vying to leave), TO and injuries ripped my Birds to pieces, annoying dance-rock and Houston shit-hop wouldn’t go away, Dave Chappelle was driven out of America by Oprah and the Nation of Islam, the fat suit became a household phenomenon, TomKat got pregnant, and Nick and Jessica called it quits (if those crazy kids can’t make it, who can?). 2006 (Chinese “Year of the Dog”) has come to the rescue, and here are some of my predictions:
2006 will usher in some musical trends that both don’t suck and aren’t disgustingly repetitive. Sure some dance-rock acts were great this past year, but if I have to hear Banquet by Bloc Party one more time, I may puke… and half of the bands playing this type of music can’t be decyphered from one another. Maybe more underground hip-hop artists will rise and take out Houston (minus Scarface, you can’t take him out because real gangsta-ass niggas play they cards right). AND MAYBE, FINALLY, musical trends ending in “-core” and/or related to overproduced, undertalented emo/pop-punk can die out… but first someone needs to tell Victory Records that Hawthorne Heights sucks. Continues after the jump »
