Are Laws Meaningless?
Trolling through the news today, it is clear that this country has a problem. People, and companies made up of people, are not willing to accept the rules that are made for them. Forget Paris Hilton, just for today. In this case, I am talking about the passport regulations that the Bush Administration is “suspending” in order to allow people to go on their vacations to places like Bermuda, Mexico, or parts of the Carribean. I guess the State Department is backed up in processing lots of passport applications, and the government of course doesn’t want to inconvenience anyone’s travel plans. So the people can show a receipt that they are waiting on the application. I pose this question: what would be easier for terrorists to forge: a passport, or a receipt claiming the passport was in the mail? I am thinking the latter. But Bush and his cronies would have us believe that it is worth that risk of less security, so that we can make sure some people who were not keeping their passports up to date properly, can go to Bermuda for some fun in the sun.
This is not an isolated incident. I recall cases like major car manufacturers balking on California emissions/fuel economy regulations. The government will pass tough laws, then people or companies will complain that they “don’t have time” to comply, or that it would be too tough to do it in the time frame dictated. So the government, acting like the big wimp that it is, will often turn tail, and bow to the demands of the corporations, or the complainers. I usually lean liberal/libertarian, but Republicans have been talking about this problem for years. Enforcement of laws is not consistent, and needs to be taken more seriously. Before we change laws or “relax” them, let’s try enforcing them, and then see where we get with that strategy. I will not right now espouse how border/immigration law enforcements might be a good solution to the immigration debate. After all, I need some yard work done this weekend, and I want to pay cash under the table. Ssshh!
Cartoonish Justice
Sigh…I guess I should have seen this coming. Paris Hilton was released from jail today. Apparently, the waifish celebutante was refusing to eat her prison rations, and this “medical condition” caused her to be sent home for house arrest. There are thousands of people who would pay lots of money to live in Paris’ house for 45 days. Obviously, the system is being bent over and spanked by a rich and powerful family. Is there any way that us little people who don’t own hotel chains can find justice?
What is justice really? According to dictionary.com, justice is the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness. In Paris’ case, there is not much fairness or rightness about her being allowed to break the law and then go home because she doesn’t like jail food. In many cases these days, it seems that personal responsibility is not only being ignored, but the system is encouraging just that. Lewis Libby is going to jail for lying to the authorities in the Valerie Plame case. But no one has been charged with leaking her name to the press, which is an obvious breach of national security. So where is the justice in that? An undercover CIA agent is exposed, and we yawn. So If we are not going to hold our political leaders to high standards for behavior, why should we hold tabloid celebrities to any standard at all?
The problem is that the fault in these matters falls directly on YOU, the reader! And me, of course. All of us who have not written letters to elected officials, or marched in a public demonstration have not done their part in the process. Are we not a government by the people and for the people? Posting on a message board is nice, but ultimately not enough. When CBS cancelled the television show “Jericho”, fans were outraged, and sent 25 tons of peanuts to the network, prompting them to rethink their decision. So it is obvious what we need to do. If you don’t like the Plame investigation, send outraged letters to your local Congressmen and Senators. It sounds played, but you can make a difference if you get involved. Here is a link to the LA country Sheriff’s Department website, where they have listings for all sorts of people you can voice your distress to. Me? I am thinking about whether or not to mail them boxes of cashews or walnuts. Probably the cashews, since they look like deformed peanuts, and (can you feel it coming?), this situation is an example of DEFORMED justice. Snap!
UPDATE: According to TMZ, the release of this prisoner was to prevent her having a nervous breakdown. LA top Sheriff Lee Baca signed off on this, so this goes to show the idiocy goes straight to the top. Because there is no way other prisoners are sitting in their cells being nervous. Is Lee going to send them all home?
UPDATE #2: She’s going back in the clink! Hurray for Cashews! And the filter, for making it happen, of course.
LOST REVIEW - Episode 22: Three Minutes
**MUTHAFUCKIN’ SPOILERS AHEAD**
Back off if you haven’t seen last night’s episode of LOST.
Better Than The Life Aquatic
Your Summer Vacation
Sometimes it’s hard to find that perfect vacation to take your significant other on every summer. Sometimes it’s a beach trip, sometimes it’s just a quick weekend back home. As Rosie O’Donnell has pointed out, sometimes these normal vacations just aren’t enough with you and your significant other happen to be of the same sex. If that describes your situation, why not go all out this year with Rainbow Cruise Lines? Check out their website today!
No “Sun, Sun, Sun” in this forecast
- The Elected - Sun, Sun, Sun
- Release Date: 01/24/2006
- Rilo Kiley side project's boring sophomore release borders on the level of elevator music.
The Elected’s sophomore effort Sun, Sun, Sun can be summed up in one very appropriate, very condemning word: nice.
Yes, that’s nice, as in: “My mom came up to visit me last weekend and we had a nice time.” Or: “Yeah, those Venetian blinds sure would add a nice touch to the guest bedroom.”
Or even still, when a prospective love interest tells you: “You’re a really nice person.” (Ok, you get the point.)
Inconceivable!
Cynthia McKinney, a congresswoman from Georgia, fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous of which is never get involved in a land war is Asia, but only slightly less well known is this one. Never walk away from an interview, without removing or turning off your microphone! As Frank Drebin was caught once, so now is the congresswoman, who was heard making a disparaging remark about an aide. The remark was not as bad as some might have you believe. The real best part is that after that, she tried to go back and tell the interviewer that the slip up was off the record. Of course the newspeople essentially said “T.S.”, and now we all get to hear the gaffe. You can enjoy the delightfulness here.
Walter Sobchak battles the Pirate Baby
There’s not a whole lot to say about this that you won’t figure out from just watching it yourself. Basically, it’s a pixel animation in the style of a side-scrolling video game, entirely in black and white. Just watch it. The server is getting killed right now, so it may take a few tries to get it to work, but it’s worth it.
You can check out more of Paul Robertson’s work, including test animations for this video, at his Livejournal page.
Pirate Baby’s Cabana Battle Street Fight 2006
Via Boing Boing.
Get your ‘Daily’ fix without cable
I’m probably not the only person who knows a few people who dish out $50 or more every month just so they can get “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report.” Even though I don’t get to watch either one as much as I’d like to, I have to admit that without them, I’d have a really hard time justifying the cost just to watch all the “Futurama” reruns on Cartoon Network that I already own.
Well, now you have one less reason to be a slave to Comcast. Apple is offering “Multi-Passes” for Stewart and Colbert, that let you get a month’s worth of episodes, that’s 16, for $9.99. Not a bad little plan, really. Of course, I’m assuming you’re one of the kind souls who would rather not acquire your fake news from the Bit Torrent store. I can’t say I’m about to go for this, but if you’re the commuting type who has to sit on a train or bus every morning for 22 minutes or more, this might be right up your alley.
Check out The Colbert Report and The Daily Show on iTunes.
Mellow fellows
- In Praise of Folly - The Present Age
- Release Date: 04/20/2004
- Let the rains keep falling in Seattle if it helps bands like IPOF maintain their angst.
- Buy the album or vic a few free MP3s here!
Is it the rain in Seattle that makes all the music that comes out of it so dank and murky?
From Jimi Hendrix and the sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson (Heart), to the Nirvana-led grunge movement of the early ‘90s and thereafter, nothing musical reverberating from this Pacific Northwest city ever seems to come across as uplifting or inspiring, and I’m apt to wonder if, indeed, gloomy skies are really to blame.
Latest evidence: In Praise of Folly, the most recent addition to my musical library.
Take a dip in the Pond
- Matt Pond PA - Several Arrows Later
- Release Date: 10/11/2005
- Matt Pond PA's latest succeeds where others have failed and should propel them into a household name.
- Download some Matt Pond MP3s for free!
It’s about time the band Matt Pond PA got some recognition.
Formed eight years ago in Philadelphia, Matt Pond PA is one of those bands that’s always working, always putting out new material and touring, yet somehow always flying just beneath the mainstream radar. With the release of Several Arrows Later, however, that string of virtual anonymity should come to an abrupt end.
Your daily Glitter
It’s been a while, but there’s a little bit of news on the Gary Glitter front today. Looks like Vietnam’s legal system isn’t a total sham, and he will be going on trial after all.
“This case seriously violates Vietnamese habits and customs and the families of the two victims have asked for a closed trial,” Co said.
Now, these are the same families of the victims who each already accepted $2,000 from Glitter in exchange for reduced charges.
In Vietnam, sex with children only costs $2,000, but the bureaucracy’s a real bitch.
Bryant Gumbel, racist
In this politically charged country of obvious media bias – what with its propensity to bury the left’s shortcomings and magnify the right’s – it shocks even me, a most discriminating and outspoken critic of media ethics (or lack thereof), that the following comments by Bryant Gumbel during the most recent episode of his award-winning HBO sports show have been given a free pass in the press:
“Finally, tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those who don’t like them and won’t watch them … Because they’re so trying, maybe over the next three weeks we should all try too. Like, try not to be incredulous when someone attempts to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention. Try not to point out that something’s not really a sport if a pseudo-athlete waits in what’s called a kiss-and-cry area, while some panel of subjective judges decides who won … So if only to hasten the arrival of the day they’re done, when we can move on to March Madness — for God’s sake, let the games begin.”
Where does one begin extracting the untruths and biases in the above comments? Since the media have obviously turned a blind eye to these statements and left us to our own devices, we in the blogosphere need to take a harder look at this. Let’s start with the obvious.
There’s hope for Jacko’s kids yet
Keep those prayers coming, people, because there’s still a chance that Michael Jackson’s kids won’t end up as fucked up as he is. A California appeals court as decided that Jackson’s ex-wife and uterus donor, Deborah Rowe still has parental rights to the kids, despite the fact that she thought she gave up any claim to the kids years ago.
“A court cannot enter a judgment terminating parental rights based solely upon the parties’ stipulation that the child’s mother or father relinquishes those rights,” the appeals court said.
Yeah, whatever that means. I’m just genuinely happy that these kids still have a chance, even if their mother was actually insane enough to marry and apparently have actual sexual intercourse with the King of Pop.
Doom
- Doom
- Five minutes are worth watching, otherwise just keep playing your old game...no walking mechanical spider brains here. IDDQD!
When you check out Doom on IMDb, the site automatically recommends Day of the Dead at the bottom of the page. You might think that its just a programming error, like Wal-Mart’s Planet of the Apes / Black History Month fuck up, but its not. Doom is a zombie movie, one that takes place in an underground bunker, so its completely reasonable that IMDb would suggest Day of the Dead as a similar film.
If you’ve ever actually played one of Doom’s video game incarnations however, you’re sure to be disappointed by this adaptation. There’s about as much original video game storyline in this as in Super Mario Bros. The movie instead steals from Resident Evil, and of course Cameron’s omnipresent Aliens to fill in the cookie cutter script. Gone are the Mars landscapes, open air temples, and 95% of the alien bad guys. All we get is the BFG and 5 minutes of first person action (which, admittedly, bumped my review up a star).
Continues after the jump »
Jesus’s pal, Kanye West
According to Kanye West, the Bible isn’t complete since it’s missing one important element: HIM!
…I changed the sound of music more than one time… For all those reasons, I’d be a part of the Bible. I’m definitely in the history books already.
Yes, yes, because the original Workout Plan written in the Bible needed an update anyhow.
Woman and Chicken Caught Making Out!
Using a misleading headline is fun, isn’t it? In Arkansas, this could have been the truth, but actually, a woman saved a chicken’s life by performing mouth-to-beak resuscitation on the flightless bird. The chicken, named “Boo-Boo”, was found face down in a pond. Retired Nurse Marianne Morris explained it thusly: “I breathed into its beak, and its dadgum eyes popped open” Well put, Marianne. Well put.
Look who’s going to hell
A friend sent me a link to a webpage for “A Field Guide to Evangelicals” and I needed to share this. Learn it, live it.
Elliott’s last stand
- Elliott - Photorecording
- Flying for years under the mainstream radar, Louisville's Elliott have thrown in the towel, but not before releasing a terrific last-hurrah compilation.
Found on the press release for Elliott’s latest CD, Photorecording:
“The legacy left behind by Louisville’s most beloved is one that will prevail, and this release closes the door with an intimate look into the final hours of the band.”
If the fact you’ve never heard of Elliott trumps the shock that should result with news of their untimely demise, you’re definitely not alone. It’s this anonymity and lack of commercial success – forever predicted and foretold and promised to be on its way, then always slowly fading out of reach – that has plagued the band for years, ultimately forcing members to ring the group’s death knell and go their separate ways.
And it’s a damn shame. Because this is a skilled and accomplished band that deserves, or should I say deserved, much, much more.
Evildoers (of the greater Indianapolis area), beware!!!
If you’re about to be raped to pieces in or around Indianapolis, IN, don’t worry! The Justice Society of Justice (offering twice the justice of their competitors - their words, not mine) will be there to rescue your precious virgin holes.
We’re back, baby!
You may have noticed that we were down for the weekend. You may also notice that that is no longer the case. We may still experience some weirdness, but hopefully everything is ironed out. Thanks for being patient, folks.
Good-bye, Mess
I know, sports and the Crap Filter don’t really mix, but I would be remiss if I did not say thank you to one of the few sports heroes I ever had, Mark Messier, on the day after his number was retired to the rafters at MSG.
Thanks for the memories, #11. You’ll always be The Captain.
Strokes of genius?
- The Strokes - First Impressions of Earth
- Release Date: 01/03/2006
- There's a lot to love -- and hate -- about the NY retro-rockers' third studio LP.
How much do I love The Strokes’ latest effort First Impressions of Earth? Let me count the ways.
1) It’s catchy.
Wasting no time at all, the New York rockers open their third LP with one of the best tracks on the album, “You Only Live Once,” and one you probably won’t grow tired of any time soon. Three minutes of pure power-pop party fun a la early ‘80s Blondie, Nick Valensi and Albert Hammond Jr. blend luscious guitar riffs around Julian Casablancas’ abrasive swooning for their most unforgettable tune since “Last Nite.” Coming soon to a radio near you.
Can a fetus drive a car?
An unborn fetus is not usually something to laugh about. Adult humans have been murdered over this topic. And yet the fetus still has the power to amuse. In November, a woman in Arizona was pulled over for improper use of a carpool lane. When Candace Dickinson was questioned by police, she replied that there were in fact two people in her car. She then pointed to her belly, indicating her pregnancy. Dickinson chose to fight the case, trying to get the law to recognize her fetus as a person. The judge ruled against her.
One wonders what Dickinson’s motives were. Was she trying to bring attention to the pro-life cause, or just trying to get out of a fine? Here is one pro-life opinion on the event. Continues after the jump »
Profess your love of golden showers!
For all you teenagers who are sick of having sex bracelets clutter your wrists, finally there is some good news. Now you can buy a T-shirt to more boldly proclaim your sexual identity and desires. Kodesex is a new variant on this trend, allowing you to advertise your sexual feelings on T-shirts, hats, bags, mouse pads, etc. The key is in the code. The kodesex symbols offer you a chance to express your desire to be involved in a variety of sexual practices. They range from wanting a Christian partner, to enjoying sex with human feces (scat). Continues after the jump »
Crap Filter Journalism Watch!
Posted earlier, referring to the reveal that JT Leroy and James Frey are truth-fudgers, on Yahoo! News:
But when two high-profile, film-friendly authors — James Frey and JT LeRoy — were exposed this week for possibly conning the public about their identities and the details of their work, industryites found themselves in the uncomfortable position of answering questions about how several projects based on now-suspect books might be affected.
Industryites, eh? I’m interested to hear what other Journalisters have to say about this exciting new verbiage.
The Mayne Event
The first 2 episodes are in the can, and the first person has been eliminated from the second season of DANCING WITH THE STARS. Drum roll please…it’s Kenny Mayne! The ESPN anchor, who has a baffling number of fans despite being only moderately amusing, was booted off the show Friday night. After Thursday night’s initial performance, Kenny was second to last, with only Master P. receiving a lower score.
Unfortunately, Kenny came across as a jackass. I would guess that once he realized he was not going to dance well, he decided to treat the whole thing as a joke. On Friday’s PARDON THE INTERRUPTION, the Miami Herald’s Dan Le Batard revealed that Kenny was talking about dancing at the Rose Bowl on Wednesday. According to Le Batard, Kenny said, “I’m going to break this thing over my knee.” He may think the show is stupid, but then why bother showing up? I understand ESPN guys are going to tease him, but la-de-frickin-da! Suck it up and deal. Jerry Rice is dancing too, and I respect him more for this than for his time spent in Seattle or Denver.
After the judges graded him, Kenny went into this rehearsed story about the judge’s misinterpretation of the dance. While he probably thought it was really funny, it came off as desperate for attention. When Kenny’s name was read as being eliminated, he said in his patented banal manner, “I want a recount.” Later he was proud that his daughters didn’t like the judges. I had hoped he would exit with some dignity, but maybe he lost that when he agreed to be on the show in the first place.
The dancers and (cough) celebrities will go at it again next Thursday.
UPDATE: Here are Kenny’s thoughts on his being booted. Real insightful.
Play poker with the voice of Apu tonight
Attention all you aspiring Chris Moneymakers and fanatical Simpsons geeks: Hank Azaria is looking for people to join his poker game tonight at his joint in SoHo, according to the New York Post. So get your spot while you can.
HANK Azaria is hosting a poker party tonight at his SoHo pad. How do we know? We were forwarded the following e-mail from the actor’s assistant, Illana Manaster: “I have seven spots for poker on Thursday night at Hank Azaria’s place in SoHo. The game is no limit, $500 buy-in. I will happily reserve spots for the first seven people who get back to me. The game will start around 8:30.” Others who were cc’d the e-mail included actor/producer Fisher Stevens, chef Bobby Flay and nightlife power player Scott Sartiano.
“Oh no, Hank, you didn’t lose. You’ve got the uh… royal sampler.”
Next I’ll make a Debigulator!
Sometimes “pure” science can be a dubious way to spend one’s time. Scientists have recently discovered the largest prime number to date. It will be joining the ranks of other famous primes like 3, 7, 31, and the greatest number in history…17. This new number is 9.1 million digits long. Not quite a googleplex, but still a bit out of the realm of everyday use. The number is called “M30402457”. It took 700 computers years to calculate this.
I am not sure what impact this “discovery” will have on humanity, but maybe it is a good reason to pop some Champagne. At the very least, these scientists will have more dates. The hotties will be all over them, saying, “tell me the M30402457 story again, Sheldon!”
Pete Townshend warns iPod users
Taking a break from researching child pornography, Pete Townshend has issued an ominous warning for iPod users.
Hearing loss is a terrible thing because it cannot be repaired. If you use an iPod or anything like it, or your child uses one, you MAY be OK. It may only be studio earphones that cause bad damage. I only have long experience of the studio side of things (though I’ve listened to music for pleasure on earphones for years, long before the Walkman was introduced). But my intuition tells me there is terrible trouble ahead. The computer is now central to our world. If downloading has a real downside it may not be the fact that musicians will get their music stolen - in truth, they appear quite ready to give it away for nothing. The downside may be that on our computers - for privacy, for respect to family and co-workers, and for convenience - we use earphones at almost every stage of interaction with sound.
Thanks, Pete, for reminding us that loud noises are bad for your hearing.
Actually, I think the most interesting part of Pete’s journal entry is the fact that his hearing loss was caused by studio headphones. I think that his well-publicized troubles were generally attributed to playing live music, but he states that everybody else playing in the ’70s was just as loud.
Speaking of torture…
Did anybody catch ABC’s “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” last night? If not, then good for you. The party I was at put it on for the ball drop, and let me tell you, it was painful to watch.
I honestly don’t understand why they decided to bring the guy in this year. His voice was horrible and creepy and sometimes he didn’t even make sense.
I mean, I understand he’s sort of this institution that is popular with a certain segment of America and he likely pushed to be on this year, but all he ended up doing is making the audience really uncomfortable. Viewers were left worrying about his state, which took their attention away from blissfully ringing in the new year.
But enough about Ryan Seacrest, the Dick Clark moments were pretty awkward too.
Come back Mark, from the Brink of Madness!
Although our lovable Mark Bodenrader may have become a Neo-Con since our college days, I hope he is not serious. There is a huge difference between killing someone on the battlefield and torturing a P.O.W. If he believes what he wrote, then he thinks that it was okay for John McCain to have been tortured all those years in Vietnam, as long as his captors never intended to free him. But cruelty to prisoners is a whole other topic. Let’s talk chickens:
Any reasonable person knows that animals feel pain. We usually relate to their suffering more the higher up we go on the intelligence chart. Stomping or burning an ant rates relatively low, but seeing a cow stumble around on broken legs while a worker kicks it in the head makes us uncomfortable. So all things being equal, I think most people that are going to Heaven would say that animals should not be made to suffer needlessly. Continues after the jump »
Why Google is a better place to work
Google is a good place to work. How good?
Naturally, we were all curious to see what 250 pounds of Silly Putty would look like, so before distributing the stuff, we put it all in a single pile to see. Huge mistake.
Now on my to-do list: 1. Pad resume 2. Get job at Google. Alternative plan: Wait for Google to buy Crap Filter.
The way I see it, if you don’t have 250 pounds of Silly Putty, then what do you have?.
Via Boing Boing.
New Nebraska Colors: Black and White?
After a series of laterals, Michigan came within one tackle of winning the Alamo Bowl on Wednesday. The problem was that there were Nebraska players already storming the field while the play was still live. Normally having more than eleven players on the field results in a penalty. But these referees were happy to run off the field, and start to head home. I don’t blame them. Michigan fans could not have been happy that they had to waste two timeouts to get the officials to review two very important plays. And I doubt the Michigan fans were happy when the officials let almost ten extra seconds run off the clock after Nebraska’s last third down. If I were a Michigan fan, I would be writing a letter to somebody about this. I wonder if some Senator is available to speak out on an issue they have no business being involved in?
Bill Callahan is being praised for the job he has done with Nebraska Football. This is the man who, as coach of the Oakland Raiders, insulted his players, saying they were the “dumbest team in America”. After his Huskers’ 32-28 win over the Wolverines, he was interviewed by ESPN’s Erin Andrews on the field. She asked Bill is he knew the game was still going on as he walked onto the field. He replied that he did not. That’s great coach. Just walk onto the field when you WANT the game to end, and hopefully the officials will agree with you. Seems that they did in this case.
Rest easy, Fred
Michael Vale, best known for his role as sleepy Dunkin Donut-maker “Fred the Baker” in a long-running ad campaign, has died at 83 of complications from diabetes. 
Growing up in the ’80s, I remember these commercials well. A slumberous Fred shuffling his feet at an ungodly hour on his way to work all the while uttering the famous catchphrase “Time to make the donuts.” Battling rain and snow and, among other things, drowsiness, Fred — a portly little fella with a Hitler moustache — always seemed to find a way to make them donuts no matter how harsh the elements. The ad campaign was so successful it spanned 15 years and turned the humble and good-natured Fred into a sort of cultural icon. He was one of those rare recurring commercial characters that you just never grew tired of, no matter how many times you saw him.
Get some sleep, ol’ friend. You deserve it.
Kat can do
- Kat Jones - La Rosa, La Calavera
- An atrocious opening track can't diminish the power of Kat Jones' first full-length LP.
When it comes to the quality of a record, never discount the importance of track placement. Sometimes just as essential as the material contained therein, a great opening song can really set the pace of an album and entice the listener to linger longer than they may have wished.
Which makes me wonder why Christian rocker Kat Jones chose to open her first full-length album La Rosa, La Calavera with “The Night is a Veil,” an annoying tune so grating I could barely make it through.
Anchored by just a piano-, organ- and keyboard-driven rhythm that gets under your skin like scabies and never seems to go away, “Veil” blends Transylvania gothic with 1800s Wild West saloon and a poor man’s Fiona Apple to rear one of the ugliest musical disasters since “The Macarena.”
No, really. It’s that hard to listen to. And if I had not been reviewing the album as a whole, I probably would have turned it off altogether. But once you get past this track, it becomes quite apparent that the nightmare that is “Veil” is nothing more than an aberration; the rest of this album is pretty good, an impressive collection of faintly understated God-rock goodness.
Crappy holidays from Crap Filter!
Hey there readers, and a Merry Christmas/Happy Chanukah/whatever whatever to all of you. Updates will probably be few and far between for the next couple days, as the team goes back to their respective homes/communes/work camps/homeless shelters.
Stay safe and have fun. We’ve still got more good stuff in store for ‘05, so try not to forget about us in your egg nog-induced drunken haze.
Hitler, Stalin, and now…Damon
Johnny Damon has signed with the Yankees. And I am not the first to say that this is bad for baseball. I am also not the first to say that this is bad for Johnny. This is more of a success for the Yankees in terms of PR. They have taken a very important piece away from the Red Sox. They have demonstrated that they are in fact a monster of money spending (even if this isn’t breaking their bank). The reason that Damon signed with them is the dough. They were offering slightly more money than the Red Sox. But Johnny will be in for a rude awakening when his image takes a massive hit. He will be forced to shave and cut his hair, and just like Jason Giambi, this will make him less appealing to NASCAR fans. Continues after the jump »
Thank you, Jesus!
Sick and tired of watching that little turd Ralphie trying to convince everyone that the perfect gift from Santa would be “An official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model BB gun” * all * fuckin’ * Christmas * Day? 
Sure you are. But this year, cable station Starz has the answer to Ralphie and his name is Quentin.
For the first time ever all five of the master’s movies will be shown together uncut and commercial-free. As an added bonus, Michael Madsen (Mr. Blonde “Ya gonna bark all day or are ya gonna bite?” from Reservoir Dogs) will host the presentation.
Lineup will look like this:
Noon: Reservoir Dogs
1:50: Pulp Fiction
4:40: Jackie Brown
7:30: Kill Bill I
9:35: Kill Bill II
If my in-laws don’t already hate me, they will on Christmas ‘cause I ain’t missing this!
Porn is king
My infatuation with Porn — the band, The New Pornographers, that is — has been growing by leaps and bounds since I reviewed their latest album, Twin Cinema, earlier this month. At the time I reviewed it I had not had time to fully digest just how good this album is, and if I had to rate it today I’d probably drop an extra star on it. One tune, however, stood out from the very beginning and I knew it was a keeper. 
And that’s what our favorite songs do, they grab us and command our attention. For whatever reason — an addictive rhythm, a sultry lyric, a clever drum beat — our most delectable ditties appeal to us on a level only we could understand. What might be a great song to one, could be trash to another. But that’s the beauty of art, it’s in the eye of the beholder. So, without further ado, I present my favorite songs of 2005:
1. The New Pornographers: Sing Me Spanish Techno (Twin Cinema):
New Pornographers mix a tasty concoction of power-pop rhythms, indie inflection and shake them up with an eclectic twist of quirky lyrics and odd instrumental arrangements to yield this year’s most invigorating song.
All I want for Christmas…
…is a few stem cells. Forget the Xbox 360, according to CNN.com, stem cells from umbilical cords make great gifts for your grandkids.
Director Shamshad Ahmed said the company had started selling gift vouchers in response to customer demand, as grandparents in particular wanted to contribute money towards the cost of storing newborn babies’ stem cells, for future use.
Am I the only one who finds this as bizarre? I guess, storing stem cells is a good idea as insurance for possible diseases or ailments occurring later in life, but if my grandparents bought me stem cells I would not be very enthusiastic. It is like when I was 10 and my great aunt “bought” me a donation to some charity, what do you think I did with that? At least the company is advising people appropriately:
“If someone said to me, ‘I want to buy my grandchild some stem cells because I am worried they will get leukemia,’ then I would tell them not to because the chances of getting the disease are slim,” he said.
Next year for Christmas I want a liver, just in case I end up getting Sclerosing Cholangitis.
Mike Bartrum? Yes, that’s right!
I know, to most of you, the Eagles don’t matter. We aren’t in the playoff race, 15-20 starters are injured, our receivers lead the league in dropped passes, the NAACP hates our quarterback because he isn’t black enough, etc. etc. But, you have to root for a guy like Mike Bartrum when he makes a touchdown catch. In his 12 year career, he has has a whopping 11 receptions. He rides the pine except when the FG team is in, where he is the long snapper. When a long snapper comes in and makes a touchdown catch, you have to cheer.
So today I ask you to stop and take a moment to read this and salute the NFL’s hard-working no-namers who rarely see the glory. Then you can go back to checking your fantasy stats, watching the playoff race, or making your new year’s resolution. I am aware the Eagles suck this year, so please spare us from the shots you feel like taking… but do feel free to highlight your favorite unsung heroes of the NFL if you’d like. Cheers!
Stylist accused of stealing Costner’s PowerBook
Here’s one that’s happened to all of us at least once.
A hairdresser hired to style guest’s hair at Kevin Costner’s wedding is to face felony charges for allegedly stealing the actor’s laptop computer - complete with private wedding photos.
Pascal Bensimon has been charged with stealing the ‘Dances With Wolves’ star’s portable computer and is due in court on Monday (12.19.05) to face charges.
…
Bensimon denies the charges and told the Aspen Daily News newspaper that he can’t remember much of the wedding because someone spiked his drink with drugs.
What’s this world coming to when you can’t go to a wedding without somebody spiking your drink? Shame on you, Mr. Costner, for the scurrilous accusations.
All Mr. Bensimon ever wanted to do was make you look fabulous on your big day. Who care who stole what or who’s balding and afraid to admit it? The big issue here is trust.
Just a bit outside!
In New York, a man caught a baby thrown from a burning building. Not only did he catch the flying infant, he then was able to give the baby mouth-to-mouth, saving the baby’s life. This man is a hero, to be sure. The CPR portion was his most impressive contribution.
But the best part of the story is that CNN felt the need to report that Felix Vasquez “is the catcher for the Housing Authority baseball team — which has won its division three years in a row”. I guess it is a good thing he was there. If it had been some guy walking by that plays tennis, the baby might have been killed.
Better order more Old Spice deodorant!
According to an article on ESPN.com, NASCAR, the sport that brought us a new era in the promotion of Wrangler Jeans, has just signed a new TV deal. From 2007-2014, the bulk of the races will be aired on ABC/ESPN, Fox, and TNT. If nothing else, the coverage of the sport on Sportscenter is likely to double, so that they can plug their product. The worst-case scenario is that as the programming increases in the mainstream, so will the popularity of baby names like Cletus and Billy-Bob.
Understand I am no stranger to auto racing. My father is a car guy. So growing up, I went with him to all manner of car shows and swap meets. I have been to and seen races at Daytona International Speedway and Limerock Park multiple times. And yet I still don’t really understand the rise in the popularity of this sport. For years it had a nice niche in my life, staying at a constant level. I rate it more interesting than golf, yet less interesting to watch than speed skating. What changed? Continues after the jump »
Forget food and shelter, we need Xylophones!
Okay, this one I am not so sure about. Hurricane Katrina devastated the lives of millions of people. It will be years before New Orleans is fully back on its feet. People who need help are still waiting for financial aid. And here I come across a charity that is giving out…musical instruments. The site is called “Music Rising: An Instrument Replacement Fund for Musicians of the Gulf Coast”. It is the brainchild of U2’s The Edge.
Now, I agree, music is a vital part of New Orleans’ soul. The city will not be the same until we hear the horns again on Bourbon Street. But we are talking about musical instruments in lieu of more vital things. Granted, many musicians have lost the means to support themselves, and cannot make money (as musicians) without these vital tools. So I am torn on this. I want to just throw this one out there, and get opinions. Is this insulting to the people really suffering, or do I need to lighten up? I am leaning towards wanting to donate housing before I hand someone an oboe reed.
James Cameron Will Need Re-Shoots
The associated press is reporting that the famed Titanic may have sunk in a slightly different manner than previously thought. Read about it at CNN.com. So instead of breaking in two, and the stern going down 20 minutes later, newly found hull pieces suggest the stern went under the waves much faster.
I am not really sure how this new find will affect our day-to-day lives, but I like the reaction from Robert Ballard, the man who discovered the wreck of the Titanic in 1985:
“They found a fragment, big deal…It hit an iceberg and it sank. Get over it.”
Sounds like Robert wishes he had made this discovery himself. Or maybe he just doesn’t like the attention Leonardo DiCaprio gets. Either way, I like the cut of his jib.
Gold-digging from your own son
Alex Hughes has it rough. According to his mom. In an article by Bill Hewitt in the December 12th edition of PEOPLE, I learned how Alex is due an inheritance of approximately 400 million dollars. But according to the will, the majority of the money will be held in a trust until he is 35. His father, who built the fortune, died of an apparent accidental drug overdose, and his mother is now in a court battle to get some of the money released sooner.
The article says that Suzan Hughes is a 42 year old former Miss Petite U.S.A. I never heard of such a crown, and found little about it online. But she is a star. See, she played a cocktail waitress in KINGPIN. You can see her entry at IMDB.
Check out the picture of her and Alex at the premiere for ROCKY & BULLWINKLE. Classy. And when I say classy, I of course mean slutty.
Suzan wants Alex to enjoy the lifestyle he was used to before his father’s death. One item she wants to claim is a $10,000 chandelier. According to Suzan, “Alex, as a toddler, would sit and try to catch the light from it.” Well, it all makes sense now. The kid is 14, and he must need that chandelier to keep his spirits up. Clearly the $8 million mansion they live in in Beverly Hills is not doing the job. Nor have the ski vacations to Switzerland, or the trips to the last three Superbowls. You gotta respect Suzan’s parenting skills.
Laziness vs. Pine Sap
Real tree or fake tree? That is the question that preoccupies many in this modern America. Growing up, I was a purist. I thought the idea of a tree made of plastic was like saying you were a Scrooge; that you didn’t care about the spirit of Christmas. Recently, I have eased up on those beliefs.
In the same way, I used to take some perverse pride in living in a cold weather region. I used to have to start my car 15 minutes before I left for high school. Then I would have to scrape off any ice/snow on the windows, and get to school in one piece. Now, living in sunny Southern California, it is easier to laugh at those that still have to deal with such issues.
Will I be the same way about Christmas trees one day? I hope not. But my in-laws have a plastic tree now, and I must say, it is pretty. They don’t have to go get a new tree every year, and they don’t have to remember to water it. There are no pine needles on the carpet, and no cleaning out the back of the car after transportation. They are not chopping down live beings, and they don’t get pine sap all over their hands. In short, it is a lot easier.
As I get older, I might even consider getting an artificial tree myself. But not quiet yet. For now I will still cling to some old fashioned, grueling ways to live. I don’t own an MP3 player, and I don’t want to own a mobile email device. But if anyone tries to take away my cruise control, they better be careful…
Crap Filter rules!
Yes, dear readers, it’s the day all of you have been waiting an entire month for: Crap Filter is now a member of the 9rules network. All of our tireless dedication to sorting out the good from the bad, the awful from the outstanding has paid dividends.
The 9rules Network is a highly exclusive group of outstanding weblogs and Web sites. We’ve been up and running for a little over a month now, and readership has been great so far. The 9rules Network will be an extremely valuable resource in hooking us up with even more of the people who stop by for entertainment news, reviews, and commentary every day.
Thanks to 9rules for recognizing that we’ve got the right stuff. We at Crap Filter promise not to let you down!*
*Not a guarantee.
Turducken, when will I sample your goodness?
In a couple days, it will be Turkey Day. And for the last couple years I have been tormented by my inability to get myself in a position to try what looks like the ultimate Thanksgiving food: the Turducken.
For those who are not aware, the Turducken is a chicken stuffed inside a duck, which is then stuffed inside a turkey. Other than the turkey’s wings and drumsticks, the whole thing is de-boned, so you cut right into it chow down. Continues after the jump »
Where there’s Will, there’s comedy
“Earth to America!”, a two-hour special aiming to alert people of the horrors of global warming through the power of comedians, aired last night on TBS and whaddaya know, Will Ferrell stole the show.
Ferrell posed as George W. Bush, who tried to give his thoughts on global warming from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, in between a game of Frisbee golf with Dick Cheney and Condi Rice.
It’s almost as if Ferrell has kept on studying the president and practicing his impersonation since his departure from “Saturday Night Live,” where his version of Bush began. It was that dead-on. For instance, he nailed the way Bush makes a statement, then follows that by just rearranging the words in his next declaration, thus repeating himself. Continues after the jump »
IMPORTANT HEALTH WARNING!!!
We interrupt this obsession with fat suits to bring you a Crap Filter special bulletin.
Most people today are up in arms about the dread bird flu and the talk of a pandemic sweeping the globe, but there is a far greater threat looming on the horizon. Studies have shown that another dangerous aerial-born illness is becoming a problem in Asia: pterodactyl flu.
Train wreck gets in car crash
Since these things seem to be happening by the day now for celebrities, I’m not really sure if Paris Hilton getting into a car crash qualifies as news.
Then again, it is actually rare to catch a crash on tape. Special thanks to TMZ.com.
I’m no Jeff Gordon, but I think the driver’s problem (other than being Paris’ new boyfriend) was trying to drive with a jacket over his face.
Inundated with material!
Hey kids, loving the Crap yet?
In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been pumping out reviews like the media was cancelling everything ever invented and we needed to get our take out there NOW!
Over the next few days we’ll try to stagger the content and reviews we post so that it’s not as overwhelming when you stop by. As a teaser, here’s the upcoming reviews you can expect from me (at least) in the next week:
-Trapped In The Closet: Chapters 1-12
-Serenity: An Obituary Rantview
-Beavis & Butt-Head: The Mike Judge Collection, Vol. 1
-Concert Review: Death From Above 1979
Resume your conversations about how rad we are.
Kevin Federline has a seriously distorted self image
Is it just me or does absolutely nobody envy Kevin Federline?
After listening to the single that his producer, Disco D, let slip out onto the Internet, I have to say that somehow, I envy him even less.
Kevin Federline has two jobs: Fetch Britney’s cigarettes and sit quietly while people make fun of him. That’s it. There’s really no more to it. It’s one of those situations where you really just need to accept it and try not to make things worse. It’s easy to hold the line in a situation like that. Nobody asks much of Kevin Federline. It could be worse. And now it is.
The worst part about this song isn’t the lack of talent. It’s the fact that nobody has told Kevin that he’s delusional.
Corrections to lies about Kevin Federline (In the 52 seconds of his song)
All these Pavoratti ain’t following him
Nobody’s asking him when’s the release date
Everybody can wait
Nobody calls him K-Fed, and nobody ever will
Nobody wishes they were in his position (see above)
Dirty is not a style, and he did not create it
He’s not starring in any magazines
Nobody had his name in they mouth
Only Britney’s change is increasing — and let’s be honest — most of this applies to her at this point too
The rest is true.